Your Child's Anger: Reactive or Proactive?

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Is there an unnerving calmness that makes you wonder what to expect…or is there an intense overreaction that cannot be ignored?  Parenting advice that addresses your child's anger...

 A REACTIVE child responds to anger by throwing what most people would refer to as a temper tantrum. Arms may flail, feet may stomp, and tears may flow. Screaming and crying are usually a given. 

Actions are impulsive and emotions typically run high. A reactive pre-teen can seemingly transform into a toddler in less time than it takes to roll your eyes. 

 A PROACTIVE child responds in a subtle, less noticeable manner. His mind begins to plot revenge against the person who has dared to "cross" him. He is calm and collected on the outside, but manipulative and deliberate on the inside. A proactive child is quite skilled at hiding his angry feelings behind an impassive expression. 

Here are some other identifiers typically associated with these types of children:

Reactive: "red-faced," out-of-control, immature, loud, demanding, and short-tempered
Proactive: calculating, manipulative, "charming," passive-aggressive, and arrogant

So, how can parents effectively respond to each of these “anger styles?”

Avoid giving-in to the tantrum or outburst. Your child probably does this because it has worked for him or her in the past.
 

Remain calm. Escalating your own behavior will usually cause the child to escalate his or hers.
 

Teach the child coping-skills to deal with difficult emotions. Have him or her practice these skills when he or she is calm and use them when he or she is not.
 

Prompt the child to take deep breaths. This will help the child to calm down.
 

Remind the child that the tantrum will not change the outcome. 

 Avoid power-struggles. These children love them – and usually win them!
 

Remain calm. These children often act the way they do to get a reaction from you. Don’t give it to them.
 

Be firm. Maintain your parental authority and follow through with consequences.
 

Identify and confront behaviors that are considered passive-aggressive and/or manipulative.
 

Find ways to teach appropriate values, especially empathy. 

Notice that not all children will fit into one of these categories. These are merely opposite ends of the same continuum - and most children will fit somewhere in between.